principal.

School is retarded. Honestly, I'm pretty sure if it had a brain, it would be like it didn't. That doesn't make sense. But if you slightly understand, you know what I'm talking about. Like, my principal says he always understands, when really? He doesnt. At all. It pisses me off.

the stars, they're more dead than alive.

It's been a long time...

I'm scared of myself. That sentence alone is unhealthy. I've been feeling cold lately. No, it's not the weather. I know that much. It's me. My thoughts, my actions, my everything. Maybe it's the lack of God in my life.. I'm not totally sure.

I've been pushing everyone away lately. The people that say they care for me, or they love me. I push away, automatically. I start fights with those who tell me such things. I think it's because everyone is the past that has said that, they leave me. So when the new people saying it, when they leave, I won't be that hurt. I mean, I'm kind of getting used to it now.

I feel like I'm falling back into the ways I used to be.. Back then. That's why I'm scared of myself. I know what I'm capable of. What I can do. What I don't want to do... I'm already breaking myself down.
I need someone, something. To help me.

I wish money grew on trees. Then I could pay off this library bill and continue reading books that have been helping me. Then I could also buy a new zune and have the music that helps me everywhere I go.

I want to be happy again... Maybe I should go back on anti-depressents. Or go back to God. The second one would probably be better.

oh the joy of the coldness.

So the other day, I was talking about depression. I don't think I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure I was just pmsing. That's the only real explantion. Cause since that day, I've been pretty happy.
I mean, not over the top, jumping for joy type of happiness. But the type of happiness that just makes the world seem good, no matter what...

the moon was missing lastnight.. but on the brightside, i really think music is my life. well, part of it.

I'm getting impatient with myself.
I'm trying to figure out who I am. But it's not really working.
I can't even figure out what I like doing. Or which lifestyle I perfer more.
Maybe neither of them is actually me... You know?
Or maybe its a little of both of them. I'm not quite sure. And that's the part thats bugging me. The fact that I have no idea of which person I am. Of who I am.
Maybe I don't want to know who I am. Maybe that's just the mystery of life. That you never truly findout who you are. I don't know. Maybe I'm just randomly thinking of all of this for no reason at all. Who knows.. Cause apparently I don't.

I kind of think I might be going back to where I used to be. And by that, I mean depressed. But I don't really know. Some days, I feel the same as I did then. Other days, I feel great. Maybe its just than random weather disorder. I hope I'm not going back into depression. That would suck.

I can't wait to see my sisters :)

blue flamingo

I think it's funny, how this is my blog. And then my "dad" writes me telling me I can't slam his girlfriend.. I can do whatever I want.

Jeez.


I miss leprechaun.. Alot.

the moon lights my path at night

So it's been awhile, again.

I'm single now. Have been for a few weeks. But guys are still very attractive to me. Although it seems that I'm unattractive to them. Oh well, they don't know what they're missing out on.

School is going alright. Borning, uneventful, the usual.

My family is dumb still. I get to see my sisters in about two weeks. I'm pretty stoked on that. I havent seen them for about four months now. My father and his girlfriend are quiet annoying though. Well, mainly her. I think I called her Godzilla On Crack. The name still suits her.

I've come to the conclusion that I think I miss being with God. I mean, I don't know forsure. But the other day, I missed it alot.

Maybe it's a sign.

hostage

It's been awhile. Things have been going pretty good.
I've been hanging out with some rad people. Making some good friends.

I know I said I should take things slower with boys.
But now I'm dating a fellow named Sean. I think things will work out with him.
I mean, I hope.

I miss my mom. It's lame.

I got a job! Haha, I'm not an employer at Wendys. YAY! Totally kidding. I don't want the job.
At all.

My cousin stole me from my boyfriend today.
I miss him.

don't want to go

I thought I was in love. I guess I thought wrong..
Maybe God had this happen so I take things with guys slower. Yeah, I think thats what it is. I have a habit with that, taking things too fast with guys. I guess that'll change now.

I leave Saturday. But I've come to the conclusion that I want to stay here. I want to stay here to make sure my mom is alright, everyday. But I can't... Obviously.
I hate this. I think I wanted to leave early so me and Mom didn't get along. And didn't have a good time. So we didn't get attached. But, that didn't happend either. Blah.

Hopefully everything works out.

full-blown happiness

Where is happiness in all of this?
I wouldn't be going through all of this if nothing good came from it. Right?


Apparently not.

show me my path.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Nor do I know where my life is headed.
I've come to that conclusion.

I hate it.

PR.

So, I'm here.
I'm in Powell River.

I got here lastnight. And so far, things have been pretty good. I get to see my best friend tonight! I'm pretty excited. I get to see my sister when I'm here too, thats going to be good. So yeah, this is the plan. Haha.

So, boys. There's currently one in my life. Not like it would really matter anyways. We can't date. But hey, on the bright side. We can still be friends, which makes me smile.

Anyways, I'm off.
I'll update you later.

oh, how i wish.

I've made a few amazing friends within the past week.
Althought, one is moving out soon...

I hate not being able to see whats going to happen in the future.
I should be a psychic.

screw up.

I'm not quite sure what to do.
I live downtown, and I want to stay here. But, I can't.
It's only a short term place. It really sucks.

I haven't been living well.
I'll leave it at that.

Nun?

So, I'm sitting here in the local library.
Waiting for the Youth Center to open up.

I don't know if it's going to.


So I have to move out of the place I'm living. Mainly because my friends suck.
That's what I've concluded to atleast.
All I know is that God has His hands protecting me. He won't let me crumble. Nor will He help Satan screw up my life. I guess all I can really do now is hold my head up high. Keep my eyes on God. And hope He puts everything in place.

Oh, there is also a new Boy in my life.

So Boy is pretty amazing. When I'm around him I forget that there is a world. A bad one. I shouldn't want Boy in my life. I can't have Boy in my life. But I can't just stop talking to him. That would kill me. We hungout lastnight. With other people as well. Nothing special...

I should become a nun.

Joy.

So I have to find somewhere else to live.
Great.

So yeah.

So its weird, you know, being replaced by a lady.

My dad has been my dad for 16 years. Then, a lady comes into his life, and he kicks me out. I don't think it's fair, personally. I mean, he's my dad right? He's been there for me my whole life. And then he just throws me out life that?

One thing I realized thought. Is that even thought my dad threw me out. God won't. There's a scripture, I'm not sure what it is. But it says even though your earthly parents disown you, God won't. That finally clicked it. I mean, I know I'm not the best kid in the world. But he should still atleast love me. So yeah, that's my conclusion.

God loves me.

Oh, and you.

:)

Screw it.

A part of be understands what's happening. But then another part of me has no idea what's happening.

So alright, my dads girlfriend hates me, it's a given. One minute she's being nice. the next she's Godzilla on Crack. And so apparently I lied about doing something with her son. When he fully knows what happend. But, now, since his mom found out, it never happend. Apparently. So anyways. because of this stupid thing, I'm not aloud to see my sisters alot. Because he doesn't want me at the house.

So they are going on vacation across the continent, and I'm not invited. Because "I'm going to start a tantrum," (Quoted by my dads girlfriend). What bugs me, is that I've already changed a bit. And I don't get any recognition for it.

Oh, so another thing. She's buying everyone laptops. Because she can. But I don't get one. Because I can have the one downstairs. But I dont have enough room for a whole frikken computer. But according to her. I do.

She's taking over my family.. By the end of this, I'll probably like, never get to see my sisters.

Fuck.

welcome to my life

to think i'm only 17
and i've gone through so much crap already

shouldn't kids/teenagers be able to enjoy their childhood/youth hood.
you would think, wouldnt you?